Hi! Today we have a guest post from Dachi’s friend Madi, an internet addict 6 years in recovery, and most importantly a kind soul. She has been sharing her journey for years and has helped many people dealing with problematic internet usage.
Whether you find yourself occasionally procrastinating on the internet or struggling with a more persistent addiction, you'll discover something valuable from Madi’s post.
Digital self-care: why you need to be nicer to yourself
It’s 3pm, and I am waking up from a Youtube trance. I had some time to kill and a flimsy website blocker, an internet-addict-in-recovery’s worst nightmare. I gave into the urge and killed an hour. An internet addict 6 years in recovery, this kind of mistake would have destroyed me in the past. I’m Madi, by the way, host of the digital self-care podcast The Cyborg Repair Manual.
As my eyes darted around the small rectangular screen full of flashing colors, a seed of guilt took root in my mind. Before I knew it, I had taken my boredom and created a much more poisonous emotion. Aware of my blossoming guilt, I knew I needed to face it at the root.
I’m sure everyone in the internet self-help sphere is sick of the following advice: “think positive!” This simplistic strategy is often touted by people who seem to be already happy with their lives, oblivious to how challenging optimism is for those of us who are struggling. Let’s not dismiss the idea just because of how cheesy it sounds. How we treat ourselves in difficult times matters. Self-destructive behavior is often made worse by distress, so how we handle these moments of suffering makes a difference in our level of future suffering.
Enter Kristin Neff, a researcher who spearheaded psychology’s understanding of self-compassion. First, we need to breakdown the fluffy and abstract term self-compassion. Compassion is showing concern for another’s suffering, self-compassion is showing that concern for your own suffering. Perhaps it sounds new-age, but practicing self compassion has been shown to improve mental wellbeing.1
The three components for self-compassion
Neff explains that there are 3 components to cultivating self-compassion2. The first tenant is self-kindness vs. judgment. We are so quick to judge ourselves, especially after “falling off the wagon.” After coming out of zombie mode and realizing I’ve been in a Youtube binge, early recovery me would have been ceaseless with the judgment. I would have thought “f*ck it, you’ve failed and now the day is ruined.” Lately, I try to take a more compassionate approach. I choose to practice self-talk that builds me up while acknowledging my emotions, such as “I know you’re having a hard time right now. What can you do to take care of yourself do based on how you currently feel?” From here I can make a more mindful choice to do something else with my time, because I’m not piling on guilt and shame by judging myself.
The second tenet of self-compassion is common humanity vs. isolation. We have to realize that suffering is a universal human truth. It’s helpful to remind yourself that every other human on the planet is going through some form of internal struggle. What you’re experiencing is a part of what makes you human. It’s an essential element of life as an organism capable of abstract thought. This is why I am so drawn toward community, because talking to others with similar problems gives you perspective. It shows you that you’re not alone.
The third tenant is mindfulness vs over-identification, or put more simply—awareness. To be self compassionate, you need to be aware of your thoughts and emotions. In the past, when I’ve told myself “you f*cked up and scrolled, now the day is ruined.” I was telling myself a story. Now, instead of believing this was true, I notice it for what it is, a thought. When awareness of our thoughts is combined with tapping in to the lived experience of emotion, rather than pushing it away, we are able to approach our negative headspace with the warmth of a loved one. Rather than judge ourselves for having a hard time, we can understand the thoughts and emotions for what they are: mental occurrences, rather than getting caught up in stories that make us feel worse. Then, we can strategically use kindness when we talk to ourselves. Yes, this sounds entirely cheesy and a little woo-woo. But if you’re tired of making your own struggles worse by berating yourself, self-compassion is a way out of that spiral. In a meta analysis of self-compassion,it was not only found that self compassionate people are happier, but that you can become more self-compasssionate with practice. Working on being kinder to oneself actually caused wellbeing to improve3.
Practical takeaways
With that in mind, how do you actually go about doing self-compassion?
1. Guided meditations
Thankfully, Kristin Neff already thought this through. She has multiple free guided practices on her website that you can follow to cultivate inner kindness.
2. Change how you talk to yourself
Replace beating yourself up with more neutral or kind language. Instead of thinking “I’ve ruined my day” try to replace this thought with a more helpful one. “My choice wasn’t perfect, but I forgive myself and I’m going to be more intentional with my time going forward.” This process can feel completely stupid at first, but with enough practice it will feel natural.
3. Join a community
It’s all too easy to feel like you’re the only one struggling. A great way to remind yourself you’re not alone is to join a community of like-minded people going through similar things. A great place to find others interested in overcoming compulsive internet is Internet and Technology Addicts Anonymous. Or, you can join the Cyborg Repair Manual Discord server! Being around people who can both understand and keep you accountable make recovery much less daunting.
Remember, you’re not changing your tech habits because you want to be mad at yourself all the time. You’re doing this because you know there’s something better. That desire comes from a place of kindness towards yourself, because you want to give yourself the gift of a more intentional life. Therefore, self-compassion is an invaluable tool on the path to digital self-care.
Where to find more from Madi:
Her podcast The Cyborg Repair Manual (Spotify, Apple Podcasts)
Her Discord server
If you want to thank Madi for the post and share your thoughts, please comment on the Substack post!
Have a wonderful Sunday,
Antonio
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/26311196/
https://self-compassion.org/the-three-elements-of-self-compassion-2/
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/26311196/